Art as Therapy

Tags

art, create, grief, life, painting, therapy

Ever since Charlie died, almost two years ago, I no longer identify myself as a photographer. It’s very hard for me to pick up the camera with the same joy I had when Chuck was by my side. But happily, I’m still being creative. Now my medium is poetry and painting.

In October 2017, my friend, Amy, introduced me to found poetry. Found poetry is the art of reforming another writer’s words into your own story. Most of the time this involves cutting out words and re-arranging them out of context and creating something new. It can also be achieved through the Black Out technique, where instead of cutting out words, you simply black out the words you want to disregard so your chosen words are left on the page. I’ve done both techniques and enjoy the challenge of finding my own story or poem in someone else’s story.

‘Stars are Shed Tears’
My first painting and my first attempt at found poetry.

I created my first painting and first found poem in October 2017. I didn’t know what I was doing, but creating was a nice distraction from the daily pressures and stress of, what for now will remain something private. The above is called ‘Stars Are Shed Tears’ and the source words are from ‘The Wonderful Wizard of Oz’.

Between October 2017 and Chuck’s death on November 27, 2017, I painted and wrote as much as I could. About a week before Chuck died, I found a poem, again from ‘The Wonderful Wizard of Oz’ and shared it with him:

I am a Queen

of all the fierce beasts

with claws so long and sharp

that would have surely destroyed you

when night came

but I shall pretend

I have no heart

for you to hurt

and I will wipe away my tears

With the benefit of hindsight, I think the poem was able to voice what I couldn’t at the time. I had a feeling that something was ‘wrong’, but couldn’t pinpoint it, let alone face it or confront it.

Then suddenly Charlie was gone.

My grief needed an outlet so eventually I painted an image to go with the words, and added two more paintings and poems to compliment it. I call it ‘Ternion’ and each individual piece is called ‘The Queen’, ‘The Apology’ and ‘The Good By’

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Here is the complete poem, again all sourced from ‘The Wonderful Wizard of Oz’, (hence the antiquated version of ‘Good bye’).

I am a Queen of all the fierce beasts, with claws so long and sharp that would surely have destroyed you when night came. But I shall pretend I have no heart for you to hurt, and I will wipe away my tears.

Then in an instant he was gone and I’m alone. I’m terribly afraid of the journey I must walk. It is long, dark and terrible. Where is my courage? I begin to weep. All I could feel was the dreadful stillness of the forest, when suddenly, a low quiet voice, quite grieved, came from the trees and said, ‘I’m sorry’

In the middle of the dark forest are wild beasts, but they do me no harm. The Lion stood silently beside me until I found courage to walk along this road without my love. The Lion saw my face was covered with tears and said, ‘He who is asleep had crossed over and will live on forever in your heart. But it takes time to make a heavy heart sing. Therefore, Queen, have courage to be who you are and to find that he did not want you to cry bitterly, but live bravely in this beautiful land.’ ‘Very well,’ I said sorrowfully. ‘I will promise to be brave and strong enough to live on my own’. There in the woods, with the Lion, I cried a little while longer and then said goodby.

This piece has given me great comfort and I realized that creating is my form of therapy. In the last 18 months, I’ve written and painted many pieces, and I hope to share them here. Yesterday, I completed my latest piece, and I’m quite fond of it.

One of the fascinating things about creating, at least for me, is that I’ll have an idea of what I want to paint, but once the paint brush is picked up and colors are mixed, something completely different appears on the canvas. That was the case with my newest piece, that so far is unnamed.

Before I introduce it, let me share some back ground on how it came to be. I painted a space scene, for my dining room as it needed some art. I wanted a quote about stars to go with the painting and after several suggestions from friends that I disregarded, I found the perfect quote: ‘There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.’ These words were sung by Leonard Cohen in his song ‘Anthem’ and was perfect for my piece.

‘There is a crack…’
Mixed media on foam board

As I listened to ‘Anthem’, I found another stanza which inspired my newest painting. ‘Start again, I heard them say, don’t dwell on what has passed away, or what is yet to be.’

These words hit home and I knew I wanted to use them in another piece. I envisioned a landscape and a traveler, and wanted to put the finished piece above my computer in the living room.

For my space piece, I used eight pieces of 11 x 14 mixed media paper to create a large canvas – something I had done with another earlier painting of mine. For some reason, I decided mount the pieces on foam board, so it was one big piece. Because I decided this at the last minute, and not at the beginning, the foam board warped, but the effect is pleasing. For my newest piece, I remembered I had 8 x 10 canvases and decided to use eight of them to make one large piece.

I started my painting and knew I wanted mountains in it, as I am a mountain girl at heart. As I started painting, the mountain scape became familiar to me and I realized I was painting the scene from ‘Ternion’. I was so excited because it felt my new piece was a full circle from one of my earlier pieces, but filled with hope and healing.

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I know I’m not the best painter, or even a good painter, but this piece is very special to me, even with the mismatched mountains. I hope Charlie would be proud and I hope you enjoy it.

To be a blessing . . .

Tags

blessing, Dominican Republic, life, Mission Trip, travel, travel journal

Above the Caribbean Ocean, on my way to the Dominican Republic

My Church, St Patrick’s Anglican Church, has the tag line ‘Invite, Train, Send’. We are a welcoming bunch who love to worship God, grow in God, and spread God’s love. Ever since Charlie died, St Patrick’s not only welcomed me with loving and open arms, but they helped me pick up the pieces of my shattered life and get back on my feet. The Sunday after Charlie died, back in 2017, was the first time I attended St Patrick’s, and I keep returning to the white church with the red door, even though it’s 30 miles away and there are many closer churches for my consideration.

St Patrick’s is a growing church with an active Youth Group, Men’s Group and various outreach programs. They are especially active in short international Mission trips. Last year, a group traveled to Puerto Rico. I was intrigued, but didn’t participate.

‘Next year, I’ll go,’ I told myself. ‘I need firmer ground under my feet before attempting something like that’. I made a mental note to put it on my 2019 calendar and kept moving forward in my journey.

Word soon came that a mission trip would participate in the Dominican Republic and I volunteered to go. I didn’t know what to expect or know how to prepare, but my heart knew I needed to be on that Mission Trip.

My strongest desire in this new chapter I find myself in, is to be a blessing to someone else. So many people have blessed me ever since my husband died, by helping me emotionally, financially, spiritually, often all at the same time. People have been so generous to me. I thought by participating in a Mission Trip, I could finally be generous to someone else.

The Mission Trip was 17 ~ 24 June 2019. I returned home very early yesterday morning. I am a changed woman, albeit a tired one. I supposed only time will tell if I was a blessing to someone.

I kept a detailed journal of my experience and will be sharing it, along with photos of the trip in the coming days. I hope you will enjoy reading about my travels.

Hello, again

Tags

fearless, Inspiration, life, on my own

I’ve always loved lists.  So it’s only appropriate that I start a new entry with a list of what I’ve been up to.

~It’s been 366 days since my last entry

~I’ve changed my blog and intent in life (more on that in another post)

~I’m a completely different person and am enjoying discovering little thing about myself such as:

I’m a sucker for sheep skin and sherpa fabric

I’m attracted to shiny things (I always thought my spirit bird was a pelican, not a crow!)

I think I was born too late and/or live in the wrong country.  I adore Judy Garland, Louis Armstrong, Ella and Etta, and Jazz (Miles is a favorite), wish people were courteous to each to each other, and am envious of countries like the Netherlands and their bicycling way of life, and Sweden’s environmental awareness.

I can’t change the world, but can change my world.  Mindful living is essential to me and I want to share my experiences of living a near zero waste lifestyle.

I’ve completed a half marathon!  Charlie would be amazed!

Creating is key to my happiness.  Hopefully that will one day include photography.  In the meantime, I’ve enjoyed painting and writing poetry.

I still miss Charlie every day, and hope he is proud of me.

So there you have it.  My life is completely different now that I’m on my own.  Sure, I still worry at times about living on one income and my surviving my olden days, but I’m happy.  I have Eleanor and Elliot to entertain me and share my life with, great friends, and a heart full of hope and discovery.  And who know’s what the future holds?

The one thing that I’m certain of, is that time is so precious.  I’m challenging myself to live boldly and without compromise.  I choose to be happy and to live my life on my terms.  When I fall, I will get up.  When I succeed, I will be grateful to the One who is my strength.  When I am afraid, I will remember I am a warrior.  And when my life ends, I will know it was lived.

Hello.  My name is Kelly and this is my life. And I’m just getting started.

Meyer Malone

Tags

cats, celebration, Grey Cat, life, Lumpy, Maggie, Meyer, meyer malone, molly malone, Travis McGee, White cat

Meyer Malone 1999-2016

The day I’ve been dreading for the last several years has finally arrived. This morning, my beloved cat named Meyer Malone, died. He’s gone. My heart is broken.

Meyer was frankly the best cat in the world. He was spoilt rotten, mischevious, adorable, regal, demanding and my little boy. He was 17 years old and had a full life filled with love. He certainly received more kisses than my husband does!

Meyer came into our lives six months after my mother passed away in 1999. I don’t know if adopting him was a coping mechanism for my grief or a planned addition to our family, as we all ready had a cat named Molly Malone. Regardless of the circumstances, we adopted another tiny white kitten who had the same mother as Molly, but was a year younger. We called him her ‘Mini Me’ and named him Meyer.

People often ask us how we came up with the name Meyer, but anyone who is familiar with John D MacDonald’s Travis McGee novels should recognize it. Like his namesake, he became a legend.

Meyer had a large personality and a million nicknames. My favorite one for him was Boo, but he also answered to Short Stack, Little B and for unknown reasons Marvin. Meyer lived with his sister Molly until she suddenly passed away on Boxing Day.

Molly’s death was a surprise. She was in good health and was only six when she died. We found her curled up near the Christmas tree. Our vet said she must have had a heart condition that was undiagnosed and likely died in her sleep.

When she died, I was worried about Meyer. He had never been an only cat before and was only five years old. We didn’t know how to handle our own grief, let along his, and ended up adopting another adult female cat in February.

I will never forgive myself for how I introduced Meyer to the new cat we named Maggie. We thought a face to face introduction would be best but I didn’t anticipate Meyer mistaking Maggie for Molly. He saw a large fluffy white cat in front of him and happily trotted over to her, probably to say ‘Where have you been?’ However, at the last moment, he realized Maggie was not Molly and ran away and hid. It was the first time he broke my heart.

Maggie and Meyer eventually worked things out and became brother and sister. They endured two moves together and even though Meyer never snuggled with Maggie like he did with Molly, they would sleep near each other and sometimes even touch each other whilst sleeping.

Maggie was a beautiful long haired white cat with gorgeous green eyes. We think she was seven when we adopted her and she lived with him until she, too, suddenly died at home in 2013, following an infection. Once again, Meyer lost a sister and once again he was an only cat.

This time, Chuck and I thought long and hard about adopting another cat. Meyer was 14 years old and even though he still acted like a kitten at times, we weren’t sure if he could handle a kitten. We sensed he was lonely but we couldn’t tell if he was happy. In the end we decided to keep our hearts open and if another cat found us, we would consider adopting it. But I was adamant that I would not adopt another white male cat. Meyer was an original and I thought having a Mini Me of him would be disrespectful to his uniqueness. My husband was just as adamant that we would only have white cats. So we agreed that if we adopted another white cat, it would be a She.

A few months passed and we found ourselves at a local shelter. Chuck was looking at and older male white cat (that I already decided we wouldn’t adopt because he was a He and was White and was Older than Dirt). Thankfully, someone had already adopted the elder gentleman but just hadn’t taken him to his new home. Chuck was ready to leave when I spied a white cat with grey markings on its forehead. Closer inspection revealed the cat as a five year old He with the unfortunate name of Snowflake.

Chuck asked if I wanted to adopt Snowflake but not before pointing out that he was a He and was White. I said, no he’s Grey and he’s coming home with us. On the way home, we renamed him Travis McGee and to this day, I still refer to him as our Grey Cat.

This time, we kept the cats separate for several days and when they finally met each other, Meyer wasn’t impressed. But he was willing to share the house because he was the Best Cat in the World.

Travis and Meyer were hilarious together. Meyer was a small cat and when Travis realized that he had a forever home with food whenever he wanted it, he gained weight. So much weight that I gave him the nickname Lumpy. Meyer and Lumpy would fight at times but I think they generally liked each other. They had a very full three years together until today.

Meyer is gone. My sweet little boy passed away this morning with me and Chuck comforting him. He just turned 17 and this year we noticed that he was developing blindness and deafness. In the last couple of weeks, he lost a lot of weight and was becoming wobbly on his legs. In the end, he couldn’t support himself. I hope he didn’t suffer too much. I hope he realized how much he was loved.

Meyer was my constant companion for 17 years. I realized today that our relationship was the second longest continuous relationship I’ve had besides my relationship with Chuck (sorry, Dad and Bob – father and brother relationships don’t count). Sure, I’ve known people longer than I’ve had Meyer, but I saw him every day of his life. Our longest separation was when I moved ahead down to Nashville, and that was only for three weeks.

We had so much fun together. Almost every morning I asked him why he never learned how to make coffee and he was always willing to taste my food, especially if it was dessert. He didn’t really like traditional cat treats and preferred potato chips instead. He didn’t mind water and would often let his tail dip into my bath water while he balanced on the tub edge. He loved watching hockey and baseball and Modern Family. He even licensed out his name to Chuck when Chuck started Malone Entertainment back in Buffalo. Until about last year, he would always greet us at the door when we came home. The past few months, he always seemed happy to see us when we came home, even if it meant our entrance woke him up.

He had an adventurous life for an indoor cat. I remember the time he got stuck under the stairs, the time he got stuck behind a server, the time he caught a mouse only to let it escape inside our townhouse. The times he would climb up on top of the bookcases (which was forbidden, by the way) to sit next to Buddha. The times he would sit by me whilst I read and the times he walked over the keyboard whilst I wrote. He lived in NC, NY and TN two separate times. He tolerated trips in his carrier only if he could sing along to the radio. He loved boxes and laying on top of Wegmans shopping bags. Oh, and he jumped on Luke Bryan’s lap the first time he met him which surprised everyone because Meyer usually took time to warm up to men.

I believe that Meyer is now playing with his sisters in Heaven while my Mom and Chuck’s Mom share a pot of tea. In a few days, he’ll join his sisters on the Cat Shelf and will permanently sit between Molly and Buddha. In the meantime, Lumpy will be getting extra hugs and kisses, which I’m sure overjoys him.

Our home and lives are a little bit emptier now. The Malone era is over. Lumpy will be an only cat for the time being and we have no idea what to expect with that. We likely will eventually adopt another cat because we’ve always had two ever since 1998. But not a He. And not a solid white cat. Meyer was one of a kind.

I love you, my sweet boy. Thank you for a wonderful 17 years. I hope you enjoyed your time with me as much as I’ve enjoyed my time with you.

Molly and Meyer (as a kitten)

Molly and Meyer

Maggie

Travis ‘Lumpy’ McGee aka the Grey Cat

 

The Finishing Touches

Tags

art, create, life, paint, project, refurnish

My dresser had been stripped, primed and painted, but needed some finishing touches before I could call it complete. After I painted the dresser purple and black, I wanted to get some Very Cool Drawer Pulls because the original ones were Very Ugly.  But first, I wanted to change the drawer contact paper.

I’m not a fan of contact paper but I really didn’t like the current contact paper that was in the drawers.  Petite rose buds just didn’t work with the cool black and purple exterior.  Even though no one would know it was there, I wanted something different, something a little classy.  I found what I was looking for at the local hardware store – white contact paper with a black swirly design.

Ugly Contact Paper

Ooohh, so pretty!

I hate contact paper and realized that I would need at least one beer to properly install it in my four drawers.  I took careful measurements but applying it was still a nightmare.  Two beers later and lots of swearing my work was complete.   The bottom drawer has a few more bubbles and wrinkles than the upper drawers, but I can live with them.  The drawers looked great, but still needed hardware.

I thought black drawer pulls would look awesome on my dresser, especially cup pulls.  However, I discovered that the Very Ugly drawer pulls had a Very Inconvenient drill hole width of 4 inches. I began a search for Cool Black Cup Pulls, but discovered that the average width of both cup pulls and drawer pulls was about 3 inches.  The  3.5 inch selection was somewhat limited and a 4 inch selection was very rare, if found at all.  I thought about plugging the existing holes and drilling new ones with a 3 inch width, but I really didn’t want to be bothered.  I don’t have a drill (yet) and the thought of going through all that trouble for cup pulls that didn’t really knock my socks off didn’t interest me.  Don’t get me wrong, in my search for the perfect cup pulls, I found some lovely ones, but nothing that I felt was right for my dresser.

In the end, I thought I would just get some ornate drawer pulls and simply ‘double up’ on them by having four per drawer instead of the customary two.  I again had black pulls in mind and found the online selection of drawer pulls to be a little overwhelming.  There are so many choices and I began to think of other future projects just to incorporate the use of some of them that I really liked, but weren’t right for my dresser.  Finally, I found what I was looking for at hobbylobby.com.  Wicked Cool pewter Octopi was the perfect choice for my dresser, but they were a little expensive at $7.00 each and I would need 16 of them.  Even if I bought 8, the price was still over my budget and I would have to find 8 different pulls to go with them.   Reluctantly, I passed on them and continued my search.

The Octopi wouldn’t leave me alone, though, as I kept coming back to them.  In the end, even though they were expensive, I decided to treat myself to 8 of them, but only if I found another cool design to complement them.  What goes with octopi, black and purple, though?   I already decided that the octopi would be on the out most side of the dresser drawers so something smaller could work.  I looked at black knobs, multi colored knobs, crystal knobs until I finally found the perfect knob:  a glass skull head.

Crazy, I know.  But I knew the skulls and octopi would look wicked cool against the purple drawer.  Unfortunately, the skulls were $5.00 each and I would need 8 of them.  My perfect drawer hardware had quickly became the most expensive part of the dresser.  I knew I couldn’t justify spending $100 on drawer pulls, no matter how cool they were.  I decided to revisit the hunt for the perfect drawer pulls in a few days and tried to put the octopi and skulls out of my mind.

A few days later, I returned to hobbylobby.com and saw a joyous sight:  Drawer pulls were on sale!  I did some quick math and realized that I could get the octopi and the skulls for $3 each!!  That was well within my budget and I quickly ordered them.  They arrived today.

As soon as I unwrapped them, I went to work.  For an agonizing minute I thought the octopi screws were too big for the existing holes in my drawers, but they fit with a little encouragement.  The skull next to the octopus, on a purple background looked as awesome as I had hoped.  The only thing I need to fix when I get the right tool is the inside screw length.  The skull screw, especially, is a little long inside the drawer.  For now, I’ll just have to be careful not to snag my clothes.

Skull and Octopus

Perfect Combo!

Careful with the long screw

So there you have it!  My flea market find $40 dresser with the ugly drawer handles has been transformed to an awesome purple and black dresser with bad ass drawer pulls.  I absolutely love it.

Before

Ugly Drawer Pulls

My New Dresser!

Stripped, Primed and Painted

Tags

create, dresser, life, paint, project, refurnish, reuse

After buying 3Ms Safest Stripper, I carefully read the directions and applied it on the dresser, paying special attention to the grooves.  As the label said, the product didn’t have a strong odor and was safe to use indoors.  The cats were not interested in it at all (which was a small miracle!)

I left the product on longer than I should have because it dried out (don’t let that happen, otherwise somewhere a puppy dies).  Despite this, the product worked pretty well.  The outside sides were easier to strip but the panels were almost as hard to strip as the grooves.  Stripping it completely took a lot more time that I had planned and some elbow grease to boot.  I’m sure if I was more patient and used the Stripper as it should have been used (in small sections without letting it dry), it would have been an easier job for me.  But I’m a little stubborn and there was something strangely therapeutic about chipping off paint from a piece of furniture.

When my dresser was completely stripped, it was time to buy the paint.  I decided to go with royal purple with black trim.  As the project was a completely indoor project with cats, I didn’t want to use spray paint or have any noxious fumes.  We headed to Lowe’s and I told the Paint Guy what I needed and he pointed me to Valspar furniture paint.  I was a little hesitant about the color choices until he told me that I could probably use any Valspar color I wanted.  So for the next thirty minutes I tortured Husband into helping me decide between Blackest Night or Noir and Purple Majesty or Huckleberry.  I finally made my color decisions and Paint Guy complemented me on my ‘bold’ choices.  He also recommended using a primer base coat so the colors were uniformed.

When I got home, I started painting the primer on the drawers and dresser.  The primer dried very quickly (less than an hour) so I was able to paint the drawers, but waited on painting the dresser itself.

The drawer fronts was painted purple as were the top and side panels of the dresser.  The sides of each drawer was painted black.  It looked fierce!

The next day I started painting the dresser purple.  It was relatively easy because I didn’t have to be too mindful of lines and grooves because if I made a mistake, I knew I could paint over it with the black paint.  I ended up painting three coats of purple to get the royal purple color I wanted.

The trim was a little harder and needed a steady hand, which meant no beer whilst painting.  Husband thought I was crazy because I wanted the outside trim, the grooves and the inside panel grooves to be black.  I felt like a surgeon with my precision painting, especially on the inside panel grooves.  But the attention to detail paid off.  Two coats later and a couple of ‘tidy ups’, I have a bad ass purple and black dresser.  And praise Jesus my cats are still white!

Now to find the perfect drawer pulls and for the final finishing touches.

To be continued . . .

Deceptive Drawers

Tags

art, create, DIY, life, paint, project, refurnish, reuse

I started the stripping stage of my dresser, and began with the dresser drawers.  The old paint came off very easily in long strips without need for a commercial stripper. It reminded me unfrosting a cake.  Stripping the drawers was fast work and when I was done, I moved on to the top of the dresser.

The top required a little more elbow grease and a cold beer, but wasn’t too difficult,  I was lured into believing the sides of the dresser would be just as easy.  Maybe, I thought, I could skip a commercial stripper altogether, except for the trim and the front of the dresser, which had the most trim.

Boy was I wrong.

The sides were a nightmare.  The paint wouldn’t even flake no matter how much I scrapped and swore.  I had to break down and get a commercial stripper in order to complete the job.

I had a major concern about using a stripper.  I knew I could only work on my dresser after work and the weather forecast was calling for rain.  We don’t have a garage and working on it outside wasn’t an option because of the rain.  I had to do everything inside and needed to find a stripper that didn’t have toxic fumes that would harm my family.

Luckily, 3M makes a product called Safest Stripper.  It is a paste stripper that can be used indoor and does not have a strong odor.  It also promised to work quickly.  I picked up a bottle at the local hardware store and couldn’t wait to try it.

In the meantime, I decided on purple.

To be continued . . .

A New Project

Tags

art, create, flea market, imagine, life, project, refurnish, reuse

I’ve embarked on a new project – furniture restoration.  Granted, it isn’t photography, but as I call myself an artist, I thought it would be cool share my new project.

Earlier this Spring, Husband and I moved into a new place.  It’s an older home with lots of charm and potential and I decided I needed new furniture.

I hate shopping for furniture, because I can never find what I want.  Also, I tend to pinch pennies pretty tightly and can’t imagine spending $100 or more for a chair.  A chair!  However, I really wanted a new dresser so Husband and I went to the flea market with $200 in my pocket.  I wanted to find a dresser for myself, a dresser for Husband, and a dining chair.

Our first purchase was a tool cabinet that could be a dresser for Husband.  I bartered the price down to a reasonable $60 (though I probably could have gotten it for less if I was persistent).  After a thorough cleaning and a long drawn out fight with contact paper, the tool cabinet serves as a wonderful dresser.  I love the character of it.

While I was looking around other stall, Husband spied a cola rack and thought it would make a perfect bakers rack for our small kitchen.  Though it wasn’t on the list, I really liked the rack and thought it would be a great piece for our kitchen and give us lots of storage space.  The asking price was $95 but after some negotiations, the price went down and I happily paid for it.

After I paid for it, though, I was a bit nervous.  I had less than $100 and still needed to find a dresser for myself and a dining chair.  We went from vendor to vendor and either I didn’t see anything I liked or the asking price was firm and very expensive.  Finally, towards the back of the flea market, I spied my dresser.

It was ugly, but had good bones.  Best of all, it was only $40.  I purchased it, but my mind was racing to figure out how I wanted to refurnish it.  The previous owner had sprayed painted it white and put some ugly, ugly drawer handles on it.  But I really liked the grooves and shape of it and decided that I would paint it, and paint the grooves black.  And definitely get better drawer handles.

We brought everything home and I had to decide if I wanted to paint it navy blue with black trim, or royal purple with black trim.

~to be continued . . .

PS:  I also found the perfect dining chair on the way out.  $10.  Bam!

A Quiet Quarter

Tags

art, experience, Growth, Inspiration, life, photography

For several months, and especially the last six weeks or so, I have been living a quieter life and one that does not revolve around photography.  The winter season is typically a slow concert season, so I focused on smaller gigs and my 365+1 Days of Awesomeness photography project.

But I soon realized I needed a complete break from photography.  My 365+1 Days project was feeling increasingly like an obligation and I suspected I was starting to take ‘easy’ photos of the day (like photos of the cats or sunsets), instead of trying to capture an image that represented the day.  The whole point of my 365+1 Days project was to create a visual diary, with one photo capturing perfectly the day.  I didn’t feel I was doing it justice.  And I didn’t care.  So I stopped.

Concert photography, as I had mentioned, is slower in the winter months, so I did a concert here, another one there but almost everything left me feeling empty.  My big international trip was a bust when all media credentials were pulled two hours before the show.  (Fortunately, we were able to obtain seats but I had to use my point and shoot and although the shots were good, they weren’t what I was expecting to capture at all).  That’s when I realized that I was burned out and needed a break.  The egos in the music business (mine included) were getting in the way of my passion for concert photography.

So what have I been up to?  I’ve had great conversations (and a couple not so great arguments) with Charlie.  I’ve ended my days curling up with a book.  I’ve caught up with old friends and made some new friends.  I’ve painted, planted and prayed.  I’ve enjoyed my quieter life.

The concert season is starting up again and I’m scheduled to shoot tonight.  I’m in negotiations with a music festival and had a major publication ask about my availability for a late summer concert.  I’m excited about the future and getting behind the camera again.  I want to better share my photography in both image and written form.  Although I’m not sure about the future of my 365+1 Days project, I’m going to start keeping a camera with me everywhere I go, like I did before.  Maybe I’ll ease back into it, maybe I won’t.  Regardless, I’m going to make photography about passion again and not obligation.

I suppose every artist goes through a period of self-exile.  Periods of re-evaluation are constant but a full fledged exile has its value, too.  It is in exile that you clearly see where you’ve been, map out where you want to be and plan how to get there. 

I think I’m ready for the journey.

Always In My Heart

Tags

art, life

Last week was a difficult week for me.  There was too much news of deaths of icons and celebrities.  David Bowie’s death surprised me, like many people were.  Alan Rickman’s death broke my heart.  Then there was news of Celine Dion’s husband dying followed by news of her brother dying and then Glenn Frey died.  Not a good week.

I was talking with a co-worker about Alan Rickman and when he realized how upset I was, he asked me why I was so attached to celebrities.  I was surprised because I don’t consider myself ‘attached to celebrities’, but Alan Rickman was genuinely one of my favorite actors and I feel like he was gone too soon.  I tried to explain that actors are naturally fascinating because they bring life to so many characters and as a viewer, it’s always exciting to see an actor’s interpretation of a character.  My co-worker didn’t get it.

To many young people, Alan Rickman will always be known as the character Snape from the Harry Potter movies.  But he was so much more than that.  He turned Hans Gruber a formidable opponent for Bruce Willis in Die Hard.  As the sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood, he tried to cancel Christmas.  In Galaxy Quest he was a hilarious has-been cultural icon trying to remain relevant while battling space aliens, for Pete’s sake.  There are hundreds more roles that Mr Rickman brought to life, but my favorite of his will always be that of the recently deceased cellist in Truly, Madly, Deeply.

David Bowie was a cultural icon, of course, but in Kelly Land he was an enigma.  Sure, I knew *of* him, mainly from the 1980s, but I didn’t own any of his albums and had not seen any of his movies.  To me, he was simply a guy that sang a song with Bing Crosby, sang another song with Mick Jagger and was married to Iman.  And he had to change his name from Jones to Bowie.  And he was Ziggy Stardust in the 70s.  That’s it. 

But I knew enough about him to know that he was an icon, even though I didn’t fully appreciate his status.  And when an icon dies, there is always a void.  It is unlikely that the world will ever seen another talent like David Bowie.  I’m just sorry I didn’t realize how many gifts he bestowed us and how culturally significant he was until he died.

In 2010, we visited Toronto and I explored an old cemetery because cemeteries are cool.  I took several photographs of old headstones and trees, but the image above really stuck with me.  The marker was contemporary but several decades old.  A beautiful rose was gently laid on it and I was reminded that love never dies.  I named the photo ‘Always in my heart.’  Tonight I dedicate the photo to the memory of Mr Rickman and Mr Bowie.  Though gone too soon, they will always remain in my heart.